JOKES!!!

[numbersix]

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

 

[socalgolfguy]

Q: What do smoking a cigar and oral sex have in common?

A: The taste gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.

 

[-KA-]

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that.

Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then address Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”

Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

----

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just change the standard to darkness!

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"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95." -- logical conclusion

----

Three Reasons to buy Windows

Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

How do you want to crash today?

----

What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?

One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

 

[numbersix]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

 

[-KA-]

A wolf ate a granny, put on her clothes and went to grandma's bed. But the wolf didn't know that the granny had a very naughty grandpa.

 

[numbersix]

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Telling your parents you're gay.

 

[numbersix]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[DBfan187]

One day Barack Obama was walking toward the pearly gates to heaven.

When he got there St. Peter asked him what he had done with his life on earth that made him worthy of heaven.

Obama told him that he was the first black president of the United States.

St. Peter asked, "When did you become president?" Obama replied, "About 15 minutes ago."

 

[numbersix]

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

 

[cattrap]

George Bush is getting off his transport helicopter with a pig under each arm. The Marine on duty salutes and sys," Nice pigs , Sir". the President replies," These ain't pigs. These are Texas razorback hogs. I got this one for Don Rumsfield and this one for Dick Cheny". The Marine salutes again and says, " Good trade , Sir".

 

[DBfan187]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, 'Obama is a 'post turtle'.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what's a 'post turtle'?

The old rancher says, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top ,feet a'flailing in the air, that's a 'post turtle'.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.'

 

[darklordzoidberg]

Why did the road kill the chicken?

Because the chicken crossed the road.


Found written on the missing first page of the bible:-

'The characters and events in this book are purely fictitious. Any similarities between real persons or events are purely coincidental'.

 

[DBfan187]

When I was young, I used to pray to God that the girl down the street would have a crush on me, so I could make love to her.

As I got older and wiser, I realized God doesn't answer prayers like that. So I raped her, and prayed for forgiveness.

 

[DBfan187]

A older Muslim man dies and floats up to heaven. He sees a tall ladder that stretches into the clouds and climbs up. At the top of the ladder he sees Saint Peter and asks him "Saint Peter, where is Allah"? Saint Peter says "hes on the next level" and points to a ladder for the man to climb.

The older Muslim man climbs the ladder into another level of clouds and sees an angel. He asks the angel "Where is Allah"? The angel says "hes on the next level" and points to another ladder for the man to climb.

The older Muslim man climbs the ladder and sees Jesus standing there. By this time the Muslim man is very tired and says "Jesus, where is Allah"? Jesus tells the man "he is here my son, but you look tired would you like a drink"? The Muslim man says "please Jesus I am very thirsty"?

Jesus claps twice and says "Allah two coffees please"!

 

[numbersix]

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."

 

[Legion12941]

The Future Scares Me

The future is a scary thing. While the idea of flying cars and time machines may seem cool, there is also a darker side to what the future holds.

What if some of the old Sci-Fi movies are correct? Do we really want to deal with jimonstrous radioactive beasts? Seriously. Those things can decimate a Japanese city in mere minutes. If that happens, who is going to be around to create my Playstation 8? The thought of a Playstation-free future often has me waking up in a cold sweat.

Senior citizens often dress in the styles of their youth...not so much what is current. I cringe at the thought of senior citizens with their pants hanging down below their asses. I don't need to see nine exposed inches of old man boxers. Nor do I care do hear an AARP members talking about "getting all up in the hizzouse, yo."

How about the impending Giant Robot invasion? These things are immense and what with the laser beam eyes and whatnot, they can really mess a joint up.

Worldwide war is always a threat and with suicide bombers and various nuclear weapons, things could get a little hectic. Not to mention how much it is going to suck when the simian armies rise up and overthrow the humans. Damn dirty apes.

But I guess what really scares me is the fact that I am married. I have to deal with the same woman for the rest of my life. Forever.

Forever is a really long time.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. I'm not talking about not being able to sleep with other women. I'm not talking about how I have to watch her favorite movies for the rest of my life.

I can deal with that stuff. I love my wife. A lot...but when everything starts going haywire...well, I don't think she can fend for herself. Which means I have to do it.

I'm going to have to turn back and rescue her from the angry simian horde. I'm going to have to go for some commando action, dodging laser beams, to save her from the giant robots. It's going to be me who has to fight radioactive mutant beasts to save my lovely wife from harm.

And, I gotta tell you. I'm pretty lazy. I don't think I'm cut out for all that hero stuff.

The future scares me, but basically I think my wife is screwed.

 

[moxdevil]

So, Gary Glitter likes to have sex with six-year-old girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang.

Is it just me, or does anyone else think he's the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

 

[numbersix]

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

 

[-KA-]

How long does it take a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.

 

[numbersix]

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."