JOKES!!!

[DBfan187]

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to McCain and said, "How about you?"

McCain replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

[numbersix]

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

 

[-KA-]

Windows: "Are you sure you want to delete this file?"
User: "Yes!"
Windows: "But why?"

 

[numbersix]

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

 

[wmj5299usa]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

 

[numbersix]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

 

[iTwins]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

 

[-KA-]

Saudi being interviewed at the USA embassy.

Consul: Your name, please?
Saudi: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Saudi: Six times a week.
Consul: I mean Male or Female.
Saudi: Both male and female sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!!!
Saudi: Yes, Cows and Dogs too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Saudi: Horse Style, Doggy Style, any style.
Consul: Oh, dear.
Saudi: Deer? No deer. They run too fast!

 

[iTwins]

Hmmm....I think this was the original version. I grabbed this version from Usenet a couple of decades ago:



Barbara Walters and Indian
--------------------------

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of the
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they lived on,
she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers found
in the headdresses of the various Indians.

She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress what
this meant. His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one
feather."

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking,
this brave had four feathers in his headdress.. He replied, "Ugh, me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws"

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.

Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to
say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so
many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly beat his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck-em
all; big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters
stated, " You should be hung." The chief replied, "You damned right
me hung--me hung like buffalo."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile." The
chief replied, "Horse-style, dog-style, any style, me fuck-em all."

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The chief replied,

"No deer,----me fuck no deer. Run too fast, assholes too high. Me no
fuck deer."

:angelwing

 

[iTwins]

The Little Girl and The Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

 

[iTwins]

The Definition of Fuck

Oldie but still very funny:

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language,"fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

Aggression:	"FUCK YOU!"
Apathy:		"Who really gives a fuck anyhow?"
Confusion:	"What the fuck.......?"
Denial:		"I didn't fucking do it."
Despair:	"Fucked again..."
Difficulty:	"I don't understand this fucking business!" 
Directions:	"Fuck off."
Disbelief:	"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 
Disgust:	"Fuck me."
Displeasure:	"What the fuck is going on here?" 
Fraud:		"I got fucked by the car dealer." 
Greetings:	"How the fuck are ya?"
Lost:		"Where the fuck are we."
Panic:		"Let's get the fuck out of here."
Perplexity:	"I know fuck all about it."
Pleasure:	"I fucking couldn't be happier."
Resignation:	"Oh, fuck it!"
Retaliation:	"Up your fucking ass!" 
Suspicion:	"Who the fuck are you?"
Trouble:	"I guess I'm fucked now."

It can be used in an anatomical description: "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time: "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business: "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal: "Motherfucker."
It can be political: "Fuck Dan Quayle!"


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

Mayor of Hiroshima: 	"What the fuck was that?"
General Custer:		"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" 
Captain of the Titanic:	"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" 
John Lennon:		"That's not a real fucking gun."
Richard Nixon:		"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Anne Boleyn:		"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Willard Scott:		"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" 
Albert Einstein:	"Any fucking idiot could understand that." 
Picasso:		"It does so fucking look like her!"
Pythagoras:		"How the fuck did you work that out?" 
Michaelangelo:		"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" 
Walt Disney:		"Fuck a duck."
Edmund Hilary:		"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Joan of Arc:		"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" 
Donald Trump:		"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" 
Orville Reddenbacher:	"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"

 

[leonid1983]

One sunny day in February 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'Yes Sir! See you tomorrow.'

that sentiment is shared by a majority of people in this world

 

[Fearless Freap]

Joke

Q: "What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your momma.

 

[iTwins]

30 things learnt from watching porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

 

[daveblack]

The American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
He says, "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small."
So the doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Thinking it a rather odd question, he finally replies, "Well, I like American beer."
The doctor tells him, "Ahhhhh, there's your problem. It shrinks things, those damn silly American beers. You should try Guinness, it makes things grow."
Two months later the guy returns to the same doctor with a great big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor's hand and thanks him repeatedly.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asks the doctor.
"oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer."

 

[darkstardk]

Saudi being interviewed at the USA embassy.

Consul: Your name, please?
Saudi: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Saudi: Six times a week.
Consul: I mean Male or Female.
Saudi: Both male and female sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!!!
Saudi: Yes, Cows and Dogs too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Saudi: Horse Style, Doggy Style, any style.
Consul: Oh, dear.
Saudi: Deer? No deer. They run too fast!

LMAO dude!

 

[iTwins]

Three Chicks

Three chicks were driving down the road when the driver hits the brakes. The two passengers ask her what she's doing.

The driver replies, "there's a dead man on the road."

They all get out of the car and look at this body.

The driver says to the other two chicks, "I bet ya $10 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."

The other passengers say, "no worries you're on."

The driver goes up to the dead bloke, sits on his face and after two minutes nothing's happened.

The second chick says," I bet ya $100 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."

Two minutes later nothing's happened either.

The third chick goes, "I bet you $1000 if I sit on his face for thirty seconds he'll wake up coughing."

So she goes and sits on his face. Thirty seconds later the bloke awakens coughing.

The two chicks were in amazement and asked her how she did it. "Simple," the third chick replied. "Blood transfusion."

 

[agent orange]

When Bob was asked if he preferred legs or breasts he told the stranger that he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies.

He was then informed that this wasn't an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket.



A wise man once said, "You should treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner. When it stops sucking....Change the bag!"

 

[agent orange]

3 parrots for sale in a pet shop. £100, £200 and £15.
A female customer in the shop asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap compared to the others?"
"Because it used to live in a brothel and therefore has picked up some bad language" replied the shopkeeper.

The woman thinking this quite amusing buys the parrot anyway and takes it home.
Upon arriving at her home the woman places the parrot and its cage in the living room and removes the cover.
"Fuck me" says the parrot, "a new brothel"
The woman laughed.

Later that afternoon the woman's two daughters came home from college.
"Fuck me" says the parrot again, " new prostitutes"
The girls just laugh.

Early evening arrives and the husband comes home from work.
"Fuck me Paul" says the parrot, "i haven't seen you in weeks!"






Two workmates having a drink after work:

First bloke says "If i went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife, getting her pregnant in the process. Would that make us related?"

"Don't know" said his mate, "but it would definitely make us even"

 

[agent orange]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his Mother 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'


Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!