JOKES!!!

[tommy13]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[cmthomas41]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[-KA-]

I decided to add some jokes too...I hope you like

Why are black people so good at basketball?

Because they know how to run, shoot, and steal.

----

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

----

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

----

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, vagiina the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

----

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

----

Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz.
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week.
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Both, male and female, sometimes camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man, isn't it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer, they run too fast!

----

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

----

A wife takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She vagiina her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover
find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to
the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."

----

 

[cmthomas41]

Guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been getting any from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again.

 

[Drive-By Trucker]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food??

 

[agent orange]

Pastor John Flapps is passing the local village pub.
As he walks by the window he sees a female church member getting drunk in the local pub.
Concerned for her well being he goes inside and tries to take her home.
As he lifts her up from the bar stool they fall and he ends up on top of her.

"Oi mate, you can't do that in here!" says the Landlord.

"You don't understand," says the Pastor "I'm Pastor Flapps!"

"Well if you're that far in," says the Landlord, "you may as well finish"

 

[agent orange]

A man walks into his local DIY store and says to the assistant behind the paint counter "I would like a tin of canary coloured paint please"

"What do you want that for?" asks the assistant.

"If you must know" says the man, "I want to paint my parrot to enter it for a canary contest. He sings so well i am certain he will win"

"You can't do that!" says the assistant, "That's cheating and besides, the paint chemicals may kill it"

"A tenner says they won't" says the man.

The assistant accepts the mans bet and sells him the paint.
Two days later the man returns, walks up to the assistant and slaps a £10 note on the counter.

The assistant smiles "So the paint did kill the parrot then"

"Well not exactly" says the man, "He handled the paint ok. It was the sanding down between coats that did for him"

 

[numbersix]

Stick of Dynamite...

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

[cmthomas41]

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a
black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husbands size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".

 

[cmthomas41]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

 

[Legion12941]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in highschool were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. But they agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be at home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this ... she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's member and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more, he was pissed right off. What he did next was awesome; he wrote on the back of the photo:

"Dear Mum & Dad,
Having a great time at college - please send more money!
I'm getting pretty desperate!"

and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

[-KA-]

New NudeCelebForum Rules

I was bored so I decided to create some new rules.

The first rule of NCF is: You do not talk in picture and video threads!
The second rule of NCF is: You do NOT talk in picture and video threads!
The third rule of NCF is: The mods says STOP, you stop posting spam/crap.
The fourth rule of NCF is: No shirts, no shoes! (means no fully clothed pics)
The fifth rule of NCF is: Baby Arms are not allowed to post.
The sixth rule of NCF is: You keep praising NCF. (even if you sleep)
And the seventh and final rule of NCF: If this is your first time in NCF YOU HAVE TO OBEY THE RULES !!!

inspiration: http://youtube.com/watch?v=agi8PUmlAKU

 

[cmthomas41]

Sex is like a petrol station.
Sometimes you get full service.
Sometimes you have to ask for service...
...and sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.

 

[Legion12941]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing....

"This is my oldest son Mohammed, he's 24 years old now."

Yes, I remember him as a baby." Says the other mother.

"He's a martyr now. So brave", says the other mother.

"This is my second son, Kalid, he's 21."

"I remember his curly hair", says the other.

"He is also a martyr."

"So great says the other."

"This is my third, my baby, Ahmed, he's 18."

"I remember when he started school", says the other.

"He is a martyr too", says his mother.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the pictures wistfully and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"



(Please keep the death threats to a minimum. Just one per person please!)

 

[Legion12941]

First Aid


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

 

[C0BRA]

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across. She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The blonde shakes her head and yells back "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
----------------
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''

 

[numbersix]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

 

[-KA-]

In an airplane the captain told the passengers:

- "This is your Captain speaking. We are loosing height and we do not have
fuel enough for reaching land. Therefore, we have to let all baggage leave
the airplane."

After this had been taking care of the airplane got height again.

Half an hour later the airplane lost height again and the captain were on
the loudspeakers once more:

- This is your captain speaking. We are still loosing height, and we can not
reach land without having some passengers to leave the plane. It is a bad
situation but we will do this in an honest and democratic way!!

We will use the alphabet - starting with A."

- "Are there any African passengers?"

No one answered.

- "Are there any Black passengers?"

Still no one answered.

- "Are there any Coloured passengers?"

Still no one answered but back in the airplane a little boy asked his
father:

- "Dad, you have always told me to be honest. We are both from Africa and
have black coloured skin."

- "Yes, my son. That is right. But today we are Niggers.

 

[realndn]

An old man and a young boy are about to walk into a large forest. When they get to the edge of the forest the young boy stops and says to the old man "I'm scared." The old man replies "You're scared? I've gotta walk out of this place alone."

 

[-KA-]

Since it's Mothers Day today, i dedicate this post to all the mothers out there

-----------

Your mama is so fat, she stepped on a scale and said: Look, theres my phone number!

----


Yo mama so fat. She could declare herself as a country.

----


Yo mama so fat. When she gets up, it turns into night.

----


Yo mama so fat. When she walks around, people yell "RUN RUN... Godzilla!"

----


Yo mama so fat. When she farts the makes a crater in the earth.

----


Yo mama so fat. When she jumps she knocks the earth out of orbit.

----


Yo mama so fat. NASA Plans to use her to plug the hole in the ozone layer.

----


Yo mama so fat. At any given time, there are folk running around her for exercise.

----


Yo mama so fat. Her graduation photo has to be taken by sattelite.

----


Yo mama so fat. She measures 38-26-36 and that's just her nose.

----


Yo mama so fat. She creates her own gravitational pull, thus small objects orbit around her.

----


Yo mama so fat. She sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and turned it into a Gameboy.

----


Yo mama so fat. Her belt size is measured in miles.

----


Yo mama so fat. When jets fly by they pick her up on their radar.

----


Yo mama so fat. She makes the grand canyon look like a basement crack.

----


Yo mama so fat. When she eats and she's not satisfied she eats the fridge too.

----

Yo mama so fat. When she has something stuck in her teeth, the has to use the Seattle Space Needle.

----

Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, "jumbo", "humongus", and "OH MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"

----

Yo Mama's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'

----

Yo momma so stupid, she took a dougnut back to the store because it had a hole in it.

----

Your mom is so old. Her birthday certificate expired.

----

Your mom is so old. She was the only one in Jurrasic Park that they din't have to animate.

----

Your mom is so old. She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

----

Your mom is so old. She started to fart out mummy dust.

----

Your mom is so old. Her zip code is 00001.

----

Your mom is so old. She used to baby sit Yoda.

----

Your mom is so old. She got Adam and Eve's autograph hung on her wall.

----

Your mom is so old. Even Santa Clause is jealous.

----

Your mom is so old. She used to chill with the Flintstones.

----

Your mom is so old. She left her purse on Noah's Ark.

----

Your mom is so old. She still owes moses two dollars.

----

Your mom is so old. When there is a dispute about history, they ask her.

----

Your mom is so old. She remembers when the earth was one giant continent.

----

Your mom is so old. She once killed a dinosaur.

----

Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept.

----

Your mom is so stupid. She makes Homer Simpson look like Einstein.

----

Your mom is so stupid. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.

----

Your mom is so stupid. She sold her car for gas money.

----

Your mom is so stupid. Her shadow ran away.

----

Your mom is so stupid. She thought hot meals meant stolen food.

----

Your mom is so stupid. I told her to buy me a TV and she came back with a microwave.

----

Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the bathroom scale

----

Yo mama's so dumb she thought Meow Mix was a rap CD for cats.

----

Yo mama so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said she's moving.

----

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

----

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

----

Yo mama's feet so big, her sneakers need license plates.

----

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY: 240 PATRONS OR YO MAMA"

----

Yo mama's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

----

Yo mama's so fat she wakes up in sections!

----

Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.

----

Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

----

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

----

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too