JOKES!!!

[Legion12941]

Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Welsh man shouts - "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr"
(Translation: "Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit!")

The man shouts back, "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Welsh man shouts back, "Use both hands, you'll get more in".

 

[agent orange]

A little girl finds her dog lying in her garden with its legs in the air.
Unable to get any response from the dog she runs to her dad in the garage and shows him where the dog is.
"Why is he like that dad?" she asks.
"I'm afraid your dog has died," says the little girls father "it's like that so Jesus can pick him up and take him up to heaven."

The following day, after the father has returned from work, the little girl runs up to him again.
"Dad," she says "Mum nearly died today! She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting 'oh Jesus, i'm coming'. If the milkman hadn't been holding her down i think we might have lost her!"

 

[-KA-]

Secretary is bended over desk and boss behind him.
Secretary: "Is it in yet?"
Boss: "Of course"
Secretary: "In that case. Oh...ah...it's so big"

 

[numbersix]

The Same Thought

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90-year-old woman.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

"Don't look down."

 

[numbersix]

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

 

[agent orange]

This is a story about 4 people, named: Everyfucker, Someotherfucker, Anyfucker and Nofucker.
One day there was a job that needed doing and Someotherfucker was asked to do it.
Everyfucker was sure Someotherfucker would do it, but Nofucker did it.
Everyfucker got angry because it was Someotherfucker's job.
Nofucker didn't realise that Anyfucker could have done it.
It ended up with Everyfucker blaming Someotherfucker and Nofucker doing what Anyfucker could!

Remind you of work???

 

[agent orange]

I'm not saying my local’s rough or anything.
But i went to the pub quiz the other night.

First question was, “What the fuck you looking at?”

 

[numbersix]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

 

[agent orange]

Three men and one woman were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first man says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second man says "Well i'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double, Income, No Kids."
The third man then pipes up, "Im a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They all look at the woman and ask her "What are you?"

"I'm a W.I.F.E," she says, "you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etcetera"

 

[tommy13]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.

He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled,

"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied,

"It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

 

[Fluoresce]

Here's one I heard on TV . . .

A man with a banana up his nose and cucumbers sticking out of his ears bursts into a doctor's office and asks:

"Doctor, Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

And the doctor says:

"It's obvious, isn't it? You're not eating properly!"

 

[Fluoresce]

Two stupid idiots are walking down the road. One of them finds a mirror on the floor, picks it up and says:

"Hey . . . I know this guy from somewhere."

His stupid friend then snatches the mirror, looks at it and says:

"That's me, you fool!"

 

[Legion12941]

Drunk Sex with the Wife

For some reason I seem to have memories of getting blow jobs from my wife a lot while we were dating. She has told me on several occasions that I am mistaken. I would have never committed myself for life to a woman who does not enjoy giving as much as I enjoy receiving. I think I may have been tricked.

There is just something about being able to lay back and watch a beautiful woman go at it. My favorite part of a woman's body is her face, always has been. I love it when my wife really gets into it. I have discovered that sixty-ninin' is the best way for me to get the most from a blow job. This is usually the only way to get my wife to actually want to give me head. Normally, she'll sigh a lot, she'll stop to remove lint that isn't there, she'll ruin the experience.

My favorite thing is cumming in her mouth. She doesn't seem to think it's so great. I don't care if she spits or swallows. I explain to her that it feels so good, that it is the best feeling. She doesn't care. I try to explain to her that it makes no sense to pull my dick out of her mouth when it is the mouth that brought me to climax. I also explain to her that I lust for every square inch of her body, why doesn't she lust for mine like that. If she really loved me, she would want to show me in any way I wanted. Again, she strongly disagrees.

We have been together for seven years, and in those seven years I have counted 11 occasions when she has let me blow my load in her mouth. The first is when we were dating. We were parked on a dark road, and she was up to "trying it". She gagged out of the car door, I should have taken that as a sign. I am fully certain it has been 11 times. I cannot remember any of the times in the middle except for two. Once just before I left for basic, I thought she handled it like a pro. Once again, just nine weeks later at the graduation ceremony at Ft. Benning, in the motel bathroom.

Let's jump to the 11th time. A few months ago, I devised a plan. My wife doesn't like to drink, but after going to the bar with a couple of her friends from work, she told me she discovered a new drink, and liked it. It's made with beer and five, yes five, shots of alcohol. 21 dollars later, I had the drunk bitch of my dreams in my bedroom. Some of you may already know this, but getting a wife drunk is like a delicate recipe. If she isn't drunk enough, she'll be mad for days. If she's too drunk, she'll pass out and be useless. I think I had the right mix.

I put it in her face and tested the waters. My idea for testing her drunkenness was to slowly slide my cock down her throat until she started to gag. I got it deeper than she normally takes it which means I have my window. Another benefit of drunk blow jobs is sloppiness. I love it that way. Things were going so good. The right amount of teeth, deep, warm, and she still looked hot from getting all dressed up earlier. All these details came to my mind at once, and made me lose it. Here it comes (cums).

I had jacked off a few times earlier that day, so it shouldn't have been too much. I was about three quarters of the way done, but then she pulled me out and jumped to her feet. She didn't say anything because you could tell she was concentrating on keeping her balance. After a few seconds, she wobbled to the bathroom. I heard no words, only spitting. It must have been perfect timing, because she had to pee. She did her business and was back in the bedroom after about three or four minutes. When she walked in the room, she looked at me and said softly in a sexy slurred voice, "I know what you did".

The next morning we woke up together and nothing was said. I took a shower, shaved, and got dressed. The perfect crime. I sat down for breakfast and she sat down too. I asked how she was feeling, she said she was fine. Just as I was feeling that I was in the clear.....

"Did we have sex last night?" she asked.

I tried to look like I couldn't remember and then said, "I don't know"

She got that squinty eyed, I'm thinking look. "So you did not cum in my mouth?"

"No, honey" I rubbed her leg to offer reassurance.

The same squinty look, this time I could tell it was less about thinking and more about anger, then she says "Really, then what's this?"

She reached for me and I started looking all over the place for photos, stains, or anything incriminating. And then I saw it.

Written on her arm, in sloppy blue ink, the words "he came in your mouth".

Busted. I'll be taking the pens and notebooks out of the bathroom.
-------------------

I saw that posted somewhere and it made me laugh!

 

[Legion12941]

Golden Telephone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

 

[Legion12941]

Recovering Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.

 

[Legion12941]

A Lawyer's Tough Day

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on, blah, blah, blah.

Too shattered to argue with her, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

 

[Legion12941]

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector


An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

 

[Legion12941]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."

Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me."

Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem reery reery bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."

Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chung replied, "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"

 

[agent orange]

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in a
coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

 

[markrvr]

Those Harry Potter films are so unrealistic. Honestly: a ginger kid with two mates?