JOKES!!!

[rockin]

PREMATURE EJACULATION
Body: A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ?slap and tickle?, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor?s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

 

[CASTOR :::]

in our family, main person is father
but who will be a father - is mother's decision


p.s. i hope you understand me

 

[Gatorman]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

 

[agent orange]

It's been a quiet morning for crime in Metropolis and Superman decides to visit Batman for a chat.
Upon his arrival at the Batcave he finds Batman busy servicing the Batmobile and unwilling to talk.
So off he flies to see his good friend Spiderman. Unfortunately Spiderman is in the middle of some essential maintenance of his web shooters and can't spare the time.
Undeterred Superman then flies over to Wonder Woman's Penthouse suite to see how she's doing.
As he flies overhead he can see Wonder Woman in her bedroom, naked on the bed, legs wide apart, bits of her costume scattered all over the floor and in the throws of extreme pleasure.
It then dawns on Superman of the opportunity to have his way with Wonder Woman without her knowing it's him and therefore preserving his good guy image. With lightening speed he's in through the window, kit off and doing the fastest shag in history.
With the deed done Superman flies away, a big smile on his face, leaving Wonder Woman none the wiser.
"What the hell was that?" said Wonder Woman.
"I've no idea" said the Invisible man, "but boy is my arse sore!"

 

[tommy13]

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford
it.

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000
mortgage and no fucking bike!"

 

[CASTOR :::]

Little boy to Father:
"Father, school teacher of mathematic banished me today"
Father:
"For what?"
Little boy:
"He asked me: 2+3=?"
"I told 5"
"Then he asked me: 3+2=?"
"I told what FUCKIN' difference?"
Father: "You was right son. what the FUCKIN' difference?"
Son:"He banished me"

Next day.

Little boy to Father:
"Father, school teacher of physical cultures banished me today"
Father:
"For what?"
Little boy:
"He asked me: up your right leg"
"I up it and stand on left leg"
"Then he asked me: up your left leg
"I told: How must I stand without legs? On DICK?"
Father: "You was right son. How must you stand? ON DICK?"
Son:"He banished me"


Next day.

Little boy to Father:
"Father, school director of school banished me today for along time"
Father:
"For what?"
Little boy:
"He asked me: Go to my cabinet (room)"
"I going. in his cabinet I saw teacher of mathematic, teacher of physical cultures and TEACHER OF PAINT "
Father:
"TEACHER OF PAINT?? For Fuckin What?"
Son:
"I asked this thing too"


p.s.
i hope you will like my lovely story with my bad english

 

[Warhawk]

Pussy Types

1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.

Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.

2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.

3. Hired Pussy
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.

4. Virgin Pussy
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho Pussy
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid Pussy
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Pussy
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party Pussy
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy Pussy
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

 

[Legion12941]

Sorority Girls

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.


How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.


What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.


Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.


What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."


What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.


How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.


Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob?
Cause everybody gets a turn.


What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.


What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.


How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.


What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."


What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.


Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.


How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.


What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.


What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do.


Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.


How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.


What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.


What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.


What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.


What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.


Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
Cause she's been laid all over the country.

 

[Legion12941]

The Frog and The Princess

The Frog and The Princess (I)

One fine day this beautiful young girl was walking through the
woods picking flowers and wild mushrooms for her mother. After
some time she felt weary and decided to rest by the pond. Under
the shade of the big oak tree she admired the water lillies and
the beauty that surrounded her and began to snooze.

She was awakened by the sound of a frog croaking, ?Excuse me?
Said the frog. ? I was once a beautiful Prince and lived in a
big castle until a wicked witch cast a spell upon me. If you
kiss me tenderly on my lips I would turn back to my former beauty
and we could marry and live in my castle, where you could wash
my clothes, cook my meals, clean the castle, make the beds, and
clean the bath for me.

Later that night, over a fine bottle of chilled Chablis with
saut?ed frogs legs in garlic butter and fresh truffles she thought
to herself: ?I don?t fucking think so!!?


The Frog and The Princess (II)

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature?s rather hideous appearance.

Princess: ?My, but you are really an ugly frog!?

Frog: ?I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.?

Princess: ?Well I?ve seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.?

Frog: ?Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it?s a really bad spell.?

Princess: ?Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince??

Frog: ?I don?t know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blowjob.?

 

[agent orange]

UPSET WIFE...

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

[Legion12941]

Replacement Ears

A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution except for a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You imbecile, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!" screamed the man.

---------------------------

Domestic Religion

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

 

[agent orange]

Just a short one today...


Wife reads an article, "Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year. I wish you could do the same"
Husband replies, "Ask the bull if he fucks the same old cow"

 

[Legion12941]

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"


------------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

----------

Seen on the warning label of Midol PMS: "Do not take this product, unless directed by a doctor, if you have difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland." If I had a prostate and needed Midol PMS, I think I'd be worried about more than drug side effects...

---------------

Now there's a new organization of ladies who say that they want to pay their own way on dates; who say that they don't expect expensive gifts on their birthdays; and they say that they don't want men to give them their seats on the bus.

The group's called "Women's Fib."

--------------

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[agent orange]

A small guy is sitting at the bar minding his own business.

A big thug walks in and smacks him to the floor and says, "That's a karate chop from Korea"
A short while later the thug walks up to him again, socking him round the head, "That's a judo chop from Japan"

The small guy gets up and disappears outside.
A few moments later he comes back in, walks over to where the thug is sitting and belts him over the head knocking him out cold.
He calls over to the barman "When this bastard comes round, tell him that was a crowbar from B&Q"

 

[GrapJ]

A blonde walks into our local garage and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten".
We all looked at each other perplexed.
Another customer asked, "What is a 'seven-hundred-ten'?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
Still perplexed, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a '710' on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there.
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

 

[agent orange]

A woman takes off her knickers and sits down in the dentist's chair with a leg over each arm.
The dentist, somewhat shocked, says "Excuse me Madam but you've made a mistake, the Gynaecologist is on the next floor."

"No mistake", she replies, "Yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures, today i want you to take them out"



Two finalists in a Poetry competion were given the word TIMBUKTU to use as their last challenge for the Grand Prize.

First finalist: "Slowly cross the desert sand, trecked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination TIMBUKTU"

The Irish finalist: "Me and Tim a hunting went, met three whores in a pop up tent, they was three and we was two, so i bucked one and TIMBUKTU"



News just in:
"A man was arrested yesterday for throwing petrol over a crowd of protestors outside his shop.
When the Police asked what he thought he was doing.
He said about 15 to the gallon."

 

[bigmarlin]

Q: What is a serial killer's favorite pick-up line?

A: Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

 

[rockin]

STATE TROOPER

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down
the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair
he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed
the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. I can get
away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew
down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110.....120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I
doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road
and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the
Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift
ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the
trooper and said, "A few weeks ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper,
and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

 

[agent orange]

A plumber gets caught on the "Builders from Hell" tv show shagging the home owners' dog on the hidden camera.
The home owner takes him to court and sues.
The Judge dismissed the case due to the plumber being Corgi registered.

 

[agent orange]

A woman goes to her doctor with an unusual complaint, she has a bee up her fanny.

Doctor says "Ok here's the plan, i'm going to rub honey on my dick and insert it. When the bee smells it, i'll withdraw and he'll follow."

"Ok, if that's the only way" says the woman nodding her head.

The doctor drops his trousers and starts, as he does so the woman begins to moan.

The doctor starts to thrust harder and faster.

"What the fuck are you doing?" yells the woman.

"Change of plan" says the doctor, "i'm going to drown the bastard instead"