JOKES!!!

[l3lasphemer]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too

 

[tommy13]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea
you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"

 

[tommy13]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read
it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank
God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

 

[agent orange]

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench when one turns to the other and says "I'm 83 years old now and i'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're around my age, how do you feel?"

His friend says "I feel like a newborn baby."

The first man replies "Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep" comes the answer, "No hair, no teeth and i think i just wet my pants"

 

[agent orange]

Ron the Rooster was the biggest, meanest rooster in the world.
He spent all his time beating up the other animals on the farm.
One day he picked on the farm cat who beat 7 bells of crap out of him!

Moral of the story:
No matter how big and how hard the cock is, the pussy will always take it

 

[sabitu]

Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimers or AIDS."

Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

 

[tommy13]

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his Dad.

"Well, it's like this Dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."

 

[Gatorman]

TEXAS FOOTBALL

Two boys were playing football in the park of a small town in Texas.
Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking
quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's
collar and twists it. He breaks the dog's neck and saves his friend.

A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes
over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the
story. "I'll title it 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious
Animal'", he said.

"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since
we're in Texas, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he
starts writing again. He asks," How does
'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack'...sound?"

"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I thought everyone
in Texas was either for the Aggies or the Longhorns. What team do you
root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an OU
fan," the boy replies.... "They're just the best!"

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:
"Little Red-Necked Bastard from Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

[agent orange]

Two fleas on a fanny.
One is a mugger, the other is a junkie.

How do you tell them apart?

The mugger is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing the crack!

 

[tommy13]

New Drunk Driving Tactic Sweeps Newfoundland
Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main
Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland. After last call, the officer noticed a
man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, into
which he fell.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the
window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other
patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and
drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off
a couple of
times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He then pulled in the
hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of
the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently
waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing
lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer
test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll
have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer
equipment must be broken '.

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Newfoundlander, 'Tonight I'm the
designated decoy.'

 

[moxdevil]

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

 

[Legion12941]

DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, you do not need a
pay raise.


SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


PERSONAL HOLIDAYS

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Sundays.


COMPASSIONATE LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


TOILET USE

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minutes limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the "chronic offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get a 30-minute break for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they will look healthy.

2. Normal size employees get a 15-minute break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get a 5-minute break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a "slim-fast."


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

For your guidance and strict compliance.

 

[moxdevil]

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

 

[agent orange]

Disaster in Burnley
An Appeal for Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early
hours of Tuesday morning. Epicentre: Burnley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000
racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly
muttering "feckinhell" and "chuffin-norah".

The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30.54 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles
and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of
historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived.
Keith Feltcher of Radio Lancashire reported that hundreds of residents
were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in Burnley.
One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite
said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into
my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates
of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken
locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large
quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help....?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for
the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rock-Fort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your
efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter.
The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding communities.

 

[agent orange]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Warhawk]

Words of Little Wisdom

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent.... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

 

[phoenixfire]

Get Ready For It.

DISCLAIMER: sorry about some of them, i don't believe them, i just think they're funny!


What's worse than finding half a worm in you apple? Gang-r@p3.

One evening, i went into the local pub and sat down at the bar. The man next to me leaned over and said quietly, "I could have sex with any woman in this pub". I said to him, "How's that then?" and he replied, "I'm a rapist".

What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.


More to come soon. . .

 

[dingbatoolpud]

Heard this one recently:

Two priests are in the restroom and #1 catches something out of the corner of his eye...#2 has a nicotine patch on his penis.

#1: 'You know - those things are supposed to go on your arm'

#2: 'I don't know - it seems to be working. I'm down to two butts a day!'

 

[agent orange]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

 

[agent orange]

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."