JOKES!!!

[agent orange]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answered, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes: Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[Legion12941]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

[agent orange]

Cold Days:

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My
hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again
in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm it up."

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?

 

[Legion12941]

She's Not Good Enough

This newlywed groom gets his bride to their honeymoon suite at the motel down the road from his dad's trailer. They begin to get undressed, caress eachother & do some consumating when all of a sudden she stops him & says, "I just have to tell you, I've been saving myself just for this moment, just for you."
The groom yells, "What the hell?! I can't believe this!" And then throws his clothes back on & runds down the road to his dad's.
"Dad, dad! You'll never believe this! She just yold me she's a virgin!!!"
His dad replies with,"Well, you did the right thing, son, coming home. If she's not good enough for her own damn family, she's sure as hell not good enough for ours!"

 

[agent orange]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

''Well,'' replies Paul, ''you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?''

''Yes,'' replies Jeff with a laugh.

''Well,'' says Paul, straightening up, I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.''
''That's great!'' says Jeff, ''When are you going out?''

''I went to meet her this evening,'' continues Paul, ''but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.''

''Sensible'' says Jeff.
''So I get to her door,'' says Paul, ''and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.''
''And what happened then?'' asked Jeff.

''I kicked her in the face.''

 

[Legion12941]

Bronx Zoo

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

 

[Legion12941]

$200

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

 

[Legion12941]

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

 

[DBfan187]

A guy walks into a store to looking to buy a brain. The first brain he sees is a brain of an asian and the price tag says $300. He thought, "well, thats not so bad...". Then he sees a brain of a white person and the price tag also says $300. And he thought, "ok, ok..."

Then he sees the brain of a black person and the price tag says $1000!

So the guy goes up to the store clerk and asks why the black brain cost so much while the other 2 cost only $300 and the store clerk said, "That's because it's never been USED!"

 

[DBfan187]

Q: What does a 9 volt battery and a girls asshole have in common?
A: You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.

 

[Legion12941]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

 

[Legion12941]

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

 

[l3lasphemer]

Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[agent orange]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a
huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

 

[agent orange]

3 guys are attending speech therapy Dublin.

Taking the class is a young and very attractive woman.
Woman "Now, my methods are somewhat different to the usual used by other Speech Therapists. I like to offer incentives or rewards to achieve results.
With this in mind i would like each of you to tell me what your home town is. If you can tell me without stuttering i will give you a blow-job."

First up is Shaun, "D.D.D. Dublin" he stammers.

Next up is Mick, "C.C. Cork"

Lastly, up steps Paddy, "London" he says nervously.
Without hesitation the woman drops to her knees and sucks Paddy's cock.
As he comes Paddy shouts "d.d. derry"

 

[The Mighty Z]

Rules of bedroom golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.


Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

 

[tommy13]

there are these two muffins in the oven.one muffin turns to the other and says, holy fuck is it ever hot in here.the other muffin turns and says holy fuck and talking muffin.:banana: :banana:

 

[Legion12941]

A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"

Seconds before his death he says...

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

---------------------

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

--------------------

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid."

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

 

[Spastic Camel]

Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed (which is all of us - right?)

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe
I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

 

[agent orange]

Apparently Jordan is the female equivalent of Arsenal, as both were infinitely more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants. They've got a point, so what other premier league honeys are packing out the terraces? Find out here...

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from whence you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one bighit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

West Ham - Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing.

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Man U - The Spice Girls: heavily reliant on a scouser and probably an attractive outfit if you didn't hate them so much.