JOKES!!!

[DBfan187]

GAME


If you live near a park or someone who has ducks this will provide you with hours of entertainment.

I’m not talking about the little kind that fly in the wild, I’m talking the big white ones that you see in parks.

Here’s what you do. Get a roll of kite string and tie a piece of bacon fat to one end.

Tie it on real good. Let out about 20 or 30 feet of string and tie the other end to a tree near the ducks.

Bacon fat will slide right through a ducks digestive system without any harm to the duck.

A duck will eat the end of the string and it will pass through him in about 20 minutes.

The next duck will come along and eat it.

Same process. The fun is to see how many you can get on your string.

 

[tommy13]

A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

 

[tommy13]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

 

[blackmetal]

A duck and a horse go in to a bar and the bartender asks the horse.Why such a long face?

 

[blackmetal]

How to keep a blond ocupied for a couple of hours?Write on a blank piece of paper turn me.Then on that side you write again.Turn me.

Or how to spot a blind guy in a nudist collony?It isn't hard!

 

[agent orange]

Makes us blokes proud

Things that make blokes proud of themselves :

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're
popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub
doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you
the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"

 

[agent orange]

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town,
as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little
skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.
Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.
"Help, Help!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The tower came back and asked what was wrong. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The blind guy says "Help Me! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The tower comes back and says "How do you know you're upside down?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Because the shit is running down my back!"[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A woman walks into an agents office and says
"I want to be on stage or TV" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]To which the agent replies, "well, what do you do?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The woman says, "well I cant sing or dance, I can only do this..." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She picks up her skirt and starts to whistle 'twinkle twinkle little star' out of her minge. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"THAT'S FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a minute," [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Listen to this" he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the woman's minge, she starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"what do you think of that?" he says to his mate. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Just sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"[/FONT]

 

[agent orange]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices

a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off

the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing

a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire

fighter walks over to take a closer look "That sure is a nice fire truck,"

the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied

the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner, "

the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,

but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could

go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I

wouldn't have a siren."

 

[agent orange]

As you know the people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the 2012 Olympics.
However, there has been a request that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals.
The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Barking.
Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but arrangements have been made if necessary, to use Dagenham Common Lake.
The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs would be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the piss out of the local lads and offered to take the researcher outside.
The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort XR3i

Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes in the following events: -
1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres a Police Dog will be released in each lane.

2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.

3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the finals will be held in the community centre on Saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Engineer Arms before encountering his
wife, where she will announce one of the following: -
(a) There's fark all for your tea.
(b) The telly's been repossessed.
(c) Our Tracey's up the stick.
(d) I'm up the stick.
(e) The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it's yours.

4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump and
will be sponsored by H.M. Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to
competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.

5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash point machines at the BP in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul it out the quickest.

6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be
collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for
tethering them in the most unusual places.

7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or at any vehicles in the hospital car park.

8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman,
German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count.

9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are
for poofs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have stunt
pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be
mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Thames.

The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage such a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the Games flourishing in this little part of London.
They urge the I.O.C. to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local saying: -
It's not the taking part that counts; IT'S THE TAKING APART!!

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"All the men here have it short and thin." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?" [/FONT]

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. He says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on."
"I love it when she screams, 'Harder!'" "I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Man, you lucky dog!" says his one buddy. "But tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The only problem I have..." the man said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, 'Deeper!'" [/FONT]

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man and his wife were walking on the streets of Delhi. Coming to a corner a begger shouted out to the lady " Oh beautiful!! I am blind give me five and a quarter rupees."
At once her husband told her " Give him what he asks, If he thinks you are beautiful then there is no doubt that he is blind!!" [/FONT]




What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
What did you name the other one!!

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from. Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and they are laughing their heads off. Lion:
"Hey elephants, why are you laughing?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Elephant: "We're fucking some monkeys" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Lion: "Well, I do that too, but I don't see what's so funny about it." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Elephant: "That's because they don't explode when YOU cum !"[/FONT]

:butt:

 

[l3lasphemer]

Just saw this one had to post..

College student goes away to college.
He grows a goatee beard.
Student takes a picture and sends it back to his parents, saying 'Don't I look like a count?".
Dad looks at the picture and caption and says,
'I spend good money to send this kid to college and he can't even spell.'

 

[tommy13]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A lady was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Her little boy came in, and raised her gown and looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.
The little boy asked his mother, "What's that?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The lady replied to her son, "That's my beaver. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The little boy took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"[/FONT]

 

[moxdevil]

The Irish computer virus-

 

[jimthejoiner2003]

what do elton john and richard hammond have in comon? they both have skidmarks on their helmets