JOKES!!!

[Drive-By Trucker]

What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

A woman in church has hope in her soul...









A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pants legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'... Well, I guess I just panicked......"





A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most--cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.














"Beerfuck," he said.

 

[stu2906]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

 

[Texan]

A Louisiana hurrinane evacuee walks into the local Texas welfare office for his monthly check.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
coming in here drawing welfare month after month, since I left New Orleans .
I'd really much rather have a job".


The Texas social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year"

The Louisiana guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Texas social worker replies, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[BigD]

Men Strike Back!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than a women?
Because women can' shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,who do you let in first?
The dog of course.He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning,God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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[tommy13]

a guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blond wave at him, saying hello.
he's rather taken aback,because he can't place where he knows her from,so he asks her"do you know me?"to which she replies"i think you are the father of one of my kids."
now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and say's"my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and did that crazy thing with the carrot?
"nope"she say's"i'm your son's math teacher.":banana: :banana:

 

[stu2906]

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky."You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

[tommy13]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf layout
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion
and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales
profession.
I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman
for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[DBfan187]

A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!"

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master.

The water was churning and splashing in the struggle.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief.

The host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"I don't want it," said Leroy, panting.

The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something, you won the bet!"

So Leroy replied, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherfuckers it was that pushed me in the pool."

 

[tommy13]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different
place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from
her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and
tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.

 

[stu2906]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone''s amazement, all of the color ran from Bush''s face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a
brazillion?"

 

[tommy13]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she Belonged
to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..

The girl said, " NO."

Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
boyfriend
was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the
boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

[l3lasphemer]

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy the heart opened and the casket
rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point,one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes turned to him,he said," I am sorry,I was just
thinking of my own funeral...I am a Gynecologist."

That's when the Proctologist fainted.
----------------

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of
his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single."

"Just let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"Dave, you're a veterinarian."

 

[Texan]

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:

"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de
poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten
minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the Bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten Minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick!"

 

[DBfan187]

A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Everytime he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."

"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.

The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."

 

[tommy13]

Two guys pull into a gas station that has a sign that reads "chance of winning free sex with every fillup". They fill up and walk over to attendent who politely informs them that they didn't win free sex. While driving away, one guy says to the other, i bet the free sex is a scam, the other guy replies "it isn't, my wife won twice last week".

 

[tommy13]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

 

[DBfan187]

Q: What do cinder blocks and 300 lb women have in common?
A: They both get laid by Mexicans.

Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: If they aren't on your dick, they are in your wallet!

 

[DBfan187]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was probably just another false alarm and stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

 

[bretttucker]

I have 2.

#1. 3 men & a woman are stranded on a deserted island. After a few weeks the woman is getting worn out. So she comes up with a plan. She tells the men,"I'm going to have sexy with each of you for 1 week. At the end of 3 weeks I'll decide which man I like best, than I'll only be with that man". So they each have thier week. At the end of the 3 weeks the woman says she needs a few days to make her decision. While thinking about her decision she drops dead! For the men the 1st week was bad. The 2nd week was worse. And the 3rd week was unbarable. So the 4th week they buried her!

#2. If you and I had ranches nextdoor to each other, & one day your mule jumped over the fence & ate a foot off my rooster. What would you have?

ANSWER: A foot of my cock in your ass!

 

[DBfan187]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"