JOKES!!!

[markrvr]

Why are women like pub toilets? They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap

 

[markrvr]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she replied: “Something to run around in.” So I bought her a tracksuit

 

[markrvr]

My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night. First question was, “What the fuck you looking at?”

 

[markrvr]

was in a bookstore the other day, and there was a third off all titles. I bought The Lion, The Witch

 

[markrvr]

Did you know that there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too much, it makes you talk shit and drive badly

 

[markrvr]

I was reading this book called The History Of Glue. Couldn’t put it down

 

[markrvr]

My dad always used to say, "Fight fire with fire." Probably why he was sacked from the fire brigade

 

[markrvr]

Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice

 

[markrvr]

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney is asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again. He replies, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

 

[agent orange]

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage
earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people.
We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had
a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where,
peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his
room and went to sleep.
The next morning...


Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.


Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.


Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.

 

[Fluoresce]

A long time ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a young man called Jimbo. Jimbo lived alone and was considered by all in his land to be an idiot. The land in which Jimbo lived was ruled by an ugly, big, fat and cruel sultan, named Gilbert. Sultan Gilbert had 5,000 wives and mistresses, which practically included every single sexy lady in the land. Every man in the land dribbled at the sight of his wives and mistresses, and hated Sultan Gilbert for his selfishness. This made Sultan Gilbert very nervous and paranoid.

One day, it was announced that Sultan Gilbert had to leave the land to fight a war. A message was dispatched that all the men in the land visit the Palace. Once at the Palace, all the men, including Jimbo, were asked to stand in a long line, side-by-side. They were each given a glass bowl and told to ejaculate into it. Ten minutes later, Sultan Gilbert walked down the line of men, examining the contents of each bowl. He stopped at Jimbo, whose bowl was completely empty.

"It is you", he said, clapping Jimbo on his back with a huge smile on his face. "You must stay here and look after my wives and mistresses, while the rest of the men and I leave for battle." With a flurry of galloping hooves, the Sultan and the rest of the land's men then departed for battle. Jimbo was alone with all 5,000 of the Sultan's incredibly sexy wives and mistresses.

Two years later, Sultan Gilbert returned victorious, with half of the men that had left (the rest had been slain in battle). With great shock, he found that ALL of his beautiful wives and mistresses were either with child or nursing toddlers!

"WHAT IS THIS?" He rawed at the sight of Jimbo, who was sitting in his thrown with a huge boner. "How the HELL did you manage to knock up ALL my wives and mistresses? I thought you were impotent. Your bowl was completely empty!"

"Ah," Jimbo said, standing up and knocking over a nearby table with his pole. "You only checked the bowl. You should have checked the ceiling!"

 

[agent orange]

Paddy was sitting on a train across from a beautiful blonde woman in an extremely short mini skirt.
He soon realises she is going commando.
Seeing where he is looking the blonde asks "Are you looking at my fanny?"
"Yes i am" says Paddy.
"It's ok" says the blonde "it is very talented. Watch this, i can make it blow you a kiss and wink at you."
Paddy stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him.
"Come, sit next to me" says the blonde "would you like to stick two fingers in?"
"Fuckin' hell!" says Paddy "can it whistle as well?!"

 

[agent orange]

The five secrets to a perfect relationship:

1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2. It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.

4. It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5. It is absolutely vital that these four women do not know about each other!

 

[tommy13]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[tommy13]

a couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 m inutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

 

[Drive-By Trucker]

I hope you like this one Fluoresce.




3 bums were standing around a fire...
Bum #1 says "guys, i'm stuffed. I was downtown and i found a dumpster that was loaded with fresh food from a 5 star restaurant!"
Bum #2 says "that's nothing! I am so drunk...I found a bunch of liquor that the local store was getting rid of because it was out of date! What find..."
Bum #3 says "I got that beat--I found me a hooker and have been out at the railroad tracks having sex all day."

One of the first two bums says "Wow, that really sounds great. Did you get any head?"

Bum #3 said "nah, I never could find the head."

 

[tommy13]

LITTLE RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.
__________________________________________________________

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



_____________________________________________________-

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

______________________________________________________


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..... beautiful!''


teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

little ralphy replies 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream .
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

_____________________________________________________


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

 

[Drive-By Trucker]

A proctologist walks into the bank and he reaches inside his jacket to get his pen to endorse his check but to his chagrin, pulls out his rectal thermometer instead.

"Goddamnit," he thinks, "some asshole's got my pen."





Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks..

"What's the other twenty for?"

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."






John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself Y ou know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.


Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'






lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then a cop from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop " Says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

[cmthomas41]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE length.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, 'What's wrong?' he asks, "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!"ik

 

[numbersix]

God decides that heaven is filling up a little too fast for his liking so he implements a new rule. In order to get into heaven you have to have had a bad day on your last day alive.

Shortly after God has implemented the new rule a man shows up at the gates and The angel there remembering the rule asks about his last day alive on earth.

The man says "Well, I decided to go home for lunch because I had a sneaky suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me. When I got home I entered unannounced and sure enough my wife was half naked. I tore the place up looking for the asshole that was sleeping with my wife, I mean I looked everywhere closets, storage rooms, behind the couch and so on. Finally I stepped out onto the balcony for a breath of fresh air and I noticed a set of fingers hanging onto the edge. I stomped on those fingers as hard as I could and the bastard fell 5 stories and landed on some bushes, but I could see that it didn't kill him. So I went and dragged my fridge out onto the balcony and threw it on him. All this excitement caused me to have a heart attack and I died"

To that the angel said "That was one terrible day! I guess you can pass through"

The next guy comes to the gate and gets the same Line from the angel, "tell me about your day"

The guy says " Well, I was out on my 6th story balcony doing yoga and a gust of wind came up and blew me off balance and I fell over the edge. I managed to catch hold of the balcony below mine, so there I was hanging there when this crazy jerk comes out and stomps on my fingers! I fall and land on some bushes, which break my fall. Now I'm lying there in terrible pain unable to move when this guy throws a fridge off the balcony. It lands on me and kills me"

Again the angel says "That was one terrible day! I guess you can pass through"

Now a third guy shows up at the gates and gets the same Line from the angel, "tell me about your day"

The guy says "You're never going to believe me" The angel says go ahead I'll be able to tell if you're lying.

The guy says "OK, so I was naked in this fridge...."