JOKES!!!

[tommy13]

A Priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink
He replied in disgust..... 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
' Me too, I didn't know we had a choice. '

 

[tommy13]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Jeff!
All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a
50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000
a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away over 45 cents?'

 

[agent orange]

A mate of mine told me recently that not only is he having his wicked way with his girlfriend, but her twin as well!

I asked him, "How do you tell them apart?"
"Well," he said, "Her brother has a moustache"

 

[tommy13]

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her

purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed
it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you

can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[tommy13]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in
size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the
surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefullyplaced beside
her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the
first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because
she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[agent orange]

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

[egotripaholic]

whats the difference between a battery and a woman?

the battery has a positive side

 

[Duke E. Pyle]

"I saw this on another site and laughed like hell".............

Jurassic Park.

Friday afternoon - girlfriend and I have skipped work - what to do?

Get really, really totally stoned and watch a blockbuster at the cinema! Yeah!

Cinema empty - brilliant.

Smoke more, chomp mushrooms - buy sweeties - have snog - feet up - film starts.

Two minutes pass. Door opens. Sheepish looking woman pokes her head around the corner and then leaves.

Thats is odd, thinks I.

5 minutes later she reappears, this time with approx 16 mentally handicapped teenagers.

All sit three rows behind us.

We resist the peurile urge to giggle and get back into the film forgetting about our neighbours.

All good until about 30 minutes into the film. In case anyone has not seen the film, a goat is staked out as bait for the T-Rex and the cinema is silent. Music begins to very slowly swell - tension mounts - on screen goat starts to bleat quietly.

So does one of the children behind us.

(Muffled giggles from us)

Music gets louder and tempo quickens, the goat (who is the best actor in the film) starts to bleat louder.

So does the bleating kid - and a few of his friends join in. 'Baaaaa' (we have hands over mouths, tears rolling down faces, kia-ora squirting out of nostrils - we do keep saying 'awwww' and 'it's not funny' which only leads to more laughter.)

Music louder - music faster - goat bleats more - kids all bleating now - music even louder - tempo racing - goat is bleating in a manic fashion. LOUDER - FASTER - BLEATING - BAAAA! LOUD!FAST! BAAAAAA!

All of a sudden the head of the T-Rex shoots into screen and snaps up the goat in one swoop.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!'

The kids go - er...well mental is the best way to put it - screams, panic attacks, popcorn everywhere, crying, hair pulling, self harm, cries for mummy, rolling in the aisles - they are screamimng and running everwhere. The woman in charge is crying and trying to round them all up, but they are in flight mode, heading out of exits, into toilets, trying to hide under seats etc.

Meanwhile myself and gilrfriend are doing our bests not asphyxiate due to the fact that we are so spaced we are unsure what is and is not real, or what to do, or say to anyone.

The story ends with the police helping round up the missing kids, the woman who brought the poor kids to see the film being picked up to no doubt find she is fired, manager closing the theatre to clean up the mess.

And best of all - we got a refund and 5 free tickets each! Hooray.

 

[C0BRA]

Christianity “The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree . . . Yeah, makes perfect sense.”

 

[carlheckman]

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three bullets.

This is out of date ... The correct answer is now two bullets.

 

[carlheckman]

Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote Ossie fucks donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Bonus joke:

Why do you fuck a donkey at the edge of a mountain?
So that it pushes back!

 

[Brianwp]

So there's a priest, a rabbi, and a little boy on a plane, when the pilot suddenly announces the plane's going down.

The priest says..."but there's only two parachutes"!
The rabbi answers, "yeah, one for you and one for me"!
So the priest asks.."what about the little boy"?
The rabbi says..."fuck him"!
To which the priest replies.."do you think we'll have time"? :butt:

 

[Brianwp]

Do I really have to do this all myself? Anyway...

So this Italian guy goes to the priest to confess, and says..."Please, father, don't kick us out of the church"!
So the priest says "My son, don't worry...what have you done to make you think you would get kicked out of the church"?
"Well, father, my wife and I gave up sex for Lent. But then one day she was there, bending over the freezer, and her ass looked so good, I couldn't help myself...so we went a'bang a'boom a'bang! Please don't kick us outta the church"!
So the preist says.."Well, my son, God forgives all kinds of sins..why would you think we would kick you out of the church for that"?
The guy replies..."Well, they kicked us outta the Wal Mart for it"!

 

[Brianwp]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

Men only ----- unless you don't value your life!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the stove and the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.


(Please don't tell my wife I made this post)...:computer:

 

[tabler]

Apols,this was elsewhere so have just copied and pasted. Brilliant!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry's at the bar. It's midnight and he's been drinking hard since five that afternoon. He starts sweating, burping and as soon as the other patrons slide away, he throws up all over the bar and down the front of his shirt.

He then proceeds to start blubbering and crying. As an old regular, the bartender patiently comes over, cleans off the bar and tenderly asks him why he's crying.

Harry: "My wife told me she'd leave me if I didn't stop coming home drunk. Now look at me..."

Bartender: "Harry, I've seen this a thousand times before. Just before you get home, take a twenty-dollar bill, stuff it in your shirt pocket and tell the wife that some drunk guy threw up on you and gave you twenty bucks to buy yourself a new shirt!"

Harry perks up thinking this is a brilliant plan and though he can barely stand he's so drunk, he orders another shot to "wash the taste of his mouth". The bartender, out of pure pity, complies and Harry slams his shot then stumbles out the door.

After, three tries and three wrong houses, he finally finds himself on his own front porch. He's so damn drunk that he can't get his key in the door and he's making a hell of a ruckus in the attempt. Sure enough, the wife wakes up and comes down to see what's making all the commotion.

She opens the door, looks at him covered in puke and tears right into him yelling at the top of her lungs...

Harry: "Wait, wait, wait... Ya don't unsterstand. This...(belch)...drunk guy down at da bar...thrown up on me. Felt so bad he...(burp)... gave me this here twenty-dollar bill to buy me a new...(belch)...shirt!"

He taps on his shirt pocket and the wife reaches in to investigate...

Wife: "Harry, there's forty-dollars in here?"

Harry: "Oh yeah........well...(burp).....he a...shit in my pants too."

 

[Brianwp]

This rich guy meets a poor guy he knows one day on Madison Avenue. So the rich guy asks...

"What are you doing here"?

"Buying something for my wife, how about you"?

"Same thing"!

So the poor guy asks...

"So what did you get your wife"?

"A Mercedes sports coupe and a diamond ring".

"Why did you get her the car and a ring"?

"So if she don't like the ring, she can get in the car and take it back. How about you, what did you get your wife"?

"A pair of slippers and a dildo".

"Why did you get her slippers and a dildo"?

So the poor guy answers...

"So if she don't like the slippers...she can go fuck herself"! :banana:

 

[Brianwp]

Four top jokes of 2009.

> **_Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009_**** **** **
>
>
>
>
> *_Fourth Place_**_:_*** ***
>
> **A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
> his elbow goes into her breast.*** ***
> **They are both quite startled.*** ***
>
> **The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
> your breast,
> I know you'll forgive me.'
> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221..'*
>
>
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------
> **_
>
> _**_Third Place_**_ :_*
>
> *One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
> his wife's arm.*
>
> *The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
> appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'*
>
> *The husband, rejected, turns over.*
>
> *A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.*
>
> *'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'*
>
>
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------
> **_
>
> _**_Runner Up:_*
>
> *Bill worked in a pickle factory. *** ***
> **He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home
one
> day
> to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. *** ***
> **He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. *** ***
> **His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
> it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the
> compulsion on his own.*
>
> *One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
> once that something was seriously wrong.*
>
> *'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.*
>
> *'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put
> my penis into the pickle slicer?'*
>
> *'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.*
>
> *'Yes, I did.' he replied.*** ***
>
> **'My God, Bill, what happened?'
>
> 'I got fired.'*
>
> *'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'*
>
> *'Oh...she got fired too.'*
>
> */
>
/**/--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------/*
>
>
> *_
> _**_Winner:_*
>
> *A couple had been married for 50 years.*
>
> *They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
> says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
> breakfast table together.'*
>
> *'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a
> jaybird fifty years ago..'*
>
> *'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'*
>
> *Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.*
>
> *'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
> nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'*
>
> *'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and
> the other is in your oatmeal*

 

[Brianwp]

Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson..

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, ;
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
bastard's name is Steve."

 

[Brianwp]

So this nymphomaniac goes to the supermarket one day. After checking out, the bag boy offers to help her to her car with her groceries. While she follows the young man through the parking lot, she gets horny walking behind him and watching him, so she finally says..

"You know, I've got an itchy pussy"

To which the bag boy replies..

"Well, you'll have to point it out to me, lady...these Japanese cars all look the same to me"...

 

[Brianwp]

This isn't really a joke, but...

You know when you log on here, at the top right of the page there's a place where it tells how many posts you make a day, and where you're most active? Well, mine says...You're most active in bullshit....:skeezy::bah::skeezy: