-
Customize your forum experience with the xenForo-G-1-0 browser script. For additional information, see: Useful Custom Forum Script: xenForo-G-1-0
-
Welcome to the forum!
You must activate your account in order to post and view all forum content
Please check your email inbox & spam folders for our activation email, then follow the link to validate your email address.
Contact Us if you are having difficulty posting or viewing forum content.
-
You are viewing our forum as a guest, with limited access.
By joining you will gain full access to thousands of Videos, Pictures & Much More.
Membership is absolutely FREE! Registration is FAST & SIMPLE.
Register Today to join the first, most comprehensive and friendliest communities of nude celebrity fans on the net!
-
Now available to Registered Users and Senior Members is Celebrity/Supermodel Fake Images, Videos and Gifs pinned at the top of Misc Groups & Shows
JOKES!!!
- Thread starter Da' Pimp
- Start date
egotripaholic
Senior Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2004
- Messages
- 97
- Reaction score
- 8
what do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
a pilot you fucking racist
a pilot you fucking racist
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Today i have gone crazy!
Grand Pa... Wisdom
A growing young man, soon would come to meet girls and marry one of them in not so far a future, took his old Grandpa for a walk in a Garden, looking after him.
Loving Grandpa would shower lots of invaluable advices from his experience of life. He told the grandson, “My loving grandson, marry a girl with smaller hand.”
The Grand son asked, “Oh the Well of Wisdom Grand Pa, please tell me why it is so?”
And the quivering Grandpa Said, “Son it makes your pecker look bigger than it is.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Win-Win
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.
The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone.
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Grand Pa... Wisdom
A growing young man, soon would come to meet girls and marry one of them in not so far a future, took his old Grandpa for a walk in a Garden, looking after him.
Loving Grandpa would shower lots of invaluable advices from his experience of life. He told the grandson, “My loving grandson, marry a girl with smaller hand.”
The Grand son asked, “Oh the Well of Wisdom Grand Pa, please tell me why it is so?”
And the quivering Grandpa Said, “Son it makes your pecker look bigger than it is.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Win-Win
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.
The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone.
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Me jokey!
A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm. so he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy is the answer.
So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked and waving a towel over the couple whilst they are having sex, to still no avail.
The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying the scene oppositely, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.
Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method. Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EVERYBODY IS GAY
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't screw up
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, Don't screw up."
A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm. so he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy is the answer.
So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked and waving a towel over the couple whilst they are having sex, to still no avail.
The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying the scene oppositely, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.
Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method. Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EVERYBODY IS GAY
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't screw up
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, Don't screw up."
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2004
- Messages
- 1,411
- Reaction score
- 458
Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next.
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next.
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
See the guts in me! and balls -2
Married Life...
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women...
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. They have breasts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breaking the News
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were hiking. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. They cant get to Steve's body as its in a deep hole, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news.
Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when girl is age of 20,
she is like Africa
half unexplored.
when she is 30,
she is like India
warm, Luxuriant, Magnifying.
when she is 40,
she is like America
technically perfect.
when she is 50,
she is like Europe
all of a ruin.
when she is 60
she is like Siberia
everybody knbows where it is
nobody like's to go there!
Married Life...
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women...
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. They have breasts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breaking the News
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were hiking. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. They cant get to Steve's body as its in a deep hole, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news.
Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when girl is age of 20,
she is like Africa
half unexplored.
when she is 30,
she is like India
warm, Luxuriant, Magnifying.
when she is 40,
she is like America
technically perfect.
when she is 50,
she is like Europe
all of a ruin.
when she is 60
she is like Siberia
everybody knbows where it is
nobody like's to go there!
Nizzle
I Love Lamp
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2004
- Messages
- 1,204
- Reaction score
- 2,017
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
A pervert wanted TWINS......... So what did he do?
He made 2 holes in the CONDOM !!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?"
The doctor immediately grabs a jar of vaseline and says, ”if you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth."
The man replies, "Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smart Ass
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golfing With Cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
A pervert wanted TWINS......... So what did he do?
He made 2 holes in the CONDOM !!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?"
The doctor immediately grabs a jar of vaseline and says, ”if you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth."
The man replies, "Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smart Ass
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golfing With Cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Joecks
All In The Family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.
"Just my sister in Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty CPR
One night, the cop was making his routine night patrol. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two trucks parked in the middle of the road with the lights on and the doors wide open.
He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first truck he sees that it’s empty. He thinks to himself..."Maybe they're in the other truck conferring over a map." So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it's empty also.
As he's walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trucks. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, Joe on his knees and Blow kneeling behind him going at it.
The inspector says "Hey! You can't do that here in the middle of the road. It's illegal!"
Santa says, "You don't understand. My friend was having a heart attack."
The inspector replies, "That's not what you do for a heart attack. You're supposed to give mouth to mouth rescucitation!"
To that Santa says, "I did! That’s how it's started!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night Mike hears howls coming from his basement. He goes down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, Mike gained the mouse's confidence with some bread and took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. Mike, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife, Michelle, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said Santa. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried Michelle. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Pills
Daniel, suffering from impotence, sees a specialist about his problem. The doctor gives him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.
Two days later, Daniel attends a formal banquet and doesn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructs the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup is served everyone received a bowl, except for Daniel, who begans feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronts the waiter and asks him about his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."
All In The Family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.
"Just my sister in Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty CPR
One night, the cop was making his routine night patrol. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two trucks parked in the middle of the road with the lights on and the doors wide open.
He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first truck he sees that it’s empty. He thinks to himself..."Maybe they're in the other truck conferring over a map." So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it's empty also.
As he's walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trucks. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, Joe on his knees and Blow kneeling behind him going at it.
The inspector says "Hey! You can't do that here in the middle of the road. It's illegal!"
Santa says, "You don't understand. My friend was having a heart attack."
The inspector replies, "That's not what you do for a heart attack. You're supposed to give mouth to mouth rescucitation!"
To that Santa says, "I did! That’s how it's started!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night Mike hears howls coming from his basement. He goes down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, Mike gained the mouse's confidence with some bread and took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. Mike, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife, Michelle, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said Santa. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried Michelle. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Pills
Daniel, suffering from impotence, sees a specialist about his problem. The doctor gives him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.
Two days later, Daniel attends a formal banquet and doesn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructs the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup is served everyone received a bowl, except for Daniel, who begans feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronts the waiter and asks him about his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."
Moses and President Bush
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"
Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back ...
"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"
Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back ...
"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
Age Factor
Joe is a lively 75 year old widower. He is also very rich. One day, he turns up at the to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead on his arm. She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Joe’s every word with great attention. All his friends think she is as sexy a lady as they have seen for years.
When she excuses herself to go to the ladies, Joe’s friends rush over to him. "Joe, how did you manage to get such a lovely girlfriend?" they ask.
"Girlfriend?" says Joe looking upset, "what do you mean girlfriend? She is my wife."
They were shocked.
"So how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Joe replies.
"Don’t tell us that you told she that you were only 50?"
"Of course not," smiles Joe, "I told her I was 90."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad News
Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message, "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer Job
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.
The boy said, "75."
"That's good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."
The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.
He said, "I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them."
Age Factor
Joe is a lively 75 year old widower. He is also very rich. One day, he turns up at the to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead on his arm. She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Joe’s every word with great attention. All his friends think she is as sexy a lady as they have seen for years.
When she excuses herself to go to the ladies, Joe’s friends rush over to him. "Joe, how did you manage to get such a lovely girlfriend?" they ask.
"Girlfriend?" says Joe looking upset, "what do you mean girlfriend? She is my wife."
They were shocked.
"So how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Joe replies.
"Don’t tell us that you told she that you were only 50?"
"Of course not," smiles Joe, "I told her I was 90."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad News
Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message, "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer Job
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.
The boy said, "75."
"That's good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."
The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.
He said, "I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them."
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
In Mourning
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the real world.
Finally, Jane says that she's ready to go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
On their first night there, they start undressing.
Jane takes everything off, except for a pair of black lace panties; he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at Jane, he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario occurs. She's standing there with her black panties on and he is completely naked; only this time, he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And what would you like?
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly..... But what I came to buy is a new tie."
In Mourning
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the real world.
Finally, Jane says that she's ready to go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
On their first night there, they start undressing.
Jane takes everything off, except for a pair of black lace panties; he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at Jane, he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario occurs. She's standing there with her black panties on and he is completely naked; only this time, he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And what would you like?
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly..... But what I came to buy is a new tie."
bobobill
war on drugs veteran
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Messages
- 711
- Reaction score
- 164
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you.
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
________________________________________________________
knock knock
who's there?
Jehovah's Witness'
SHHHH they're outside
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you.
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
________________________________________________________
knock knock
who's there?
Jehovah's Witness'
SHHHH they're outside
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
200th Post-Joke
Horse Breeding
Santa had a brown filly and a white filly (female horse under the age of four) and he wanted to get them breed, so he borrowed his neighboor's Stallion and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Pap, to watch over them and tell him when the stallion was done with its buisness.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said Pap.
After a while Pappu came into the livingroom where his father was talking with some of his friends.
"Daddy," said Pap.
"Yes," replied Santa.
"The stallion just fucked the white filly."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Santa said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Pap, you mustn't use language like that in front of my friends. You should say 'The stallion surprised the white filly'. Now go and watch over them .... and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly."
Santa went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the white filly again!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Patient
Bob, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same.
"I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Banta told him.
The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, Banta felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
Banta said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and make her lie down on the bed."
"Yes," they said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!
:twisted:
Horse Breeding
Santa had a brown filly and a white filly (female horse under the age of four) and he wanted to get them breed, so he borrowed his neighboor's Stallion and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Pap, to watch over them and tell him when the stallion was done with its buisness.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said Pap.
After a while Pappu came into the livingroom where his father was talking with some of his friends.
"Daddy," said Pap.
"Yes," replied Santa.
"The stallion just fucked the white filly."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Santa said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Pap, you mustn't use language like that in front of my friends. You should say 'The stallion surprised the white filly'. Now go and watch over them .... and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly."
Santa went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the white filly again!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Patient
Bob, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same.
"I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Banta told him.
The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, Banta felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
Banta said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and make her lie down on the bed."
"Yes," they said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!
:twisted:
stu2906
Respected Member
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Messages
- 653
- Reaction score
- 2,390
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman
says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't
got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to
the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't
got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to
the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out...
Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out...
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet.
She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help"
One of the men immediately replied, "No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taken Apart
Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?"
Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary"
A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet.
She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help"
One of the men immediately replied, "No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taken Apart
Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?"
Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary"
Nizzle
I Love Lamp
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2004
- Messages
- 1,204
- Reaction score
- 2,017
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back
to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your
heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back
to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your
heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
moxdevil
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2004
- Messages
- 572
- Reaction score
- 672
Apologies in advance if any of these are repeats
An American patrol near Basra rolls by two injured men lying unconscious at the roadside. One is a British para, the other an Iraqi insurgent. As the patrol administers first aid, they ask what happened. “Well,” explains the para, “I was patrolling along the highway when I ran into this Iraqi. We pointed our weapons at each other and I shouted, “Saddam Hussein’s a wanker!” then he hollered, “George Bush is an asshole!” we were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped?
They're both great to ride unless your mates see you on one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Er, where to?" he stammers. "Just take me to the Union Station," answers the woman. "You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror. Looking up, the woman catches him staring. "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver coughs politely. "Well, I'd just noticed that you're completely naked." "So?" "Well I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front seat headrests. "Well," she smiles at the driver. "Does this answer your question?" "Bloody hell," cries the cabbie, still staring in the mirror. "Got anything smaller?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to head for the Far East, and stowed herself away on the first ship available. After a month, she was discovered by the captain, who was surprised to see that, despite her time at sea, she was remarkably well fed and clean. Though realising she must have been befriended by someone on board, he was surprised when she admitted that she had been to the cabin of his trusted first officer every morning. Apparently, the nice young man provided a hot bath and three-course meal, and said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.
"And what did he ask in return?" demanded the captain.
"Well, you might say that he took advantage," blushed the girl.
"I'll say he did," chuckled the old sea dog, rubbing his whickers. "You're on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked his sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."
An American patrol near Basra rolls by two injured men lying unconscious at the roadside. One is a British para, the other an Iraqi insurgent. As the patrol administers first aid, they ask what happened. “Well,” explains the para, “I was patrolling along the highway when I ran into this Iraqi. We pointed our weapons at each other and I shouted, “Saddam Hussein’s a wanker!” then he hollered, “George Bush is an asshole!” we were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped?
They're both great to ride unless your mates see you on one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Er, where to?" he stammers. "Just take me to the Union Station," answers the woman. "You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror. Looking up, the woman catches him staring. "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver coughs politely. "Well, I'd just noticed that you're completely naked." "So?" "Well I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front seat headrests. "Well," she smiles at the driver. "Does this answer your question?" "Bloody hell," cries the cabbie, still staring in the mirror. "Got anything smaller?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to head for the Far East, and stowed herself away on the first ship available. After a month, she was discovered by the captain, who was surprised to see that, despite her time at sea, she was remarkably well fed and clean. Though realising she must have been befriended by someone on board, he was surprised when she admitted that she had been to the cabin of his trusted first officer every morning. Apparently, the nice young man provided a hot bath and three-course meal, and said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.
"And what did he ask in return?" demanded the captain.
"Well, you might say that he took advantage," blushed the girl.
"I'll say he did," chuckled the old sea dog, rubbing his whickers. "You're on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked his sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."
Last edited:
Ankit Pande
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 349
- Reaction score
- 553
Jokes
Black and White
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways.
One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Man's Garage
A young woman's car started making weird noises while drivign late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.
He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and estimated the repairs to be about one hundred dollars, but the girl had no money.
"Darn. Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for that bill."
"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."
At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick.
"Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
Black and White
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways.
One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Man's Garage
A young woman's car started making weird noises while drivign late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.
He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and estimated the repairs to be about one hundred dollars, but the girl had no money.
"Darn. Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for that bill."
"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."
At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick.
"Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
