The Simpson's..

[Zinista]

The Simpson's & Futurama

All things related to the awesome show "The Simpson's"... :headbang:

Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
----------------------------------------------------
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

 

[The_Thief]

Yo Zin, see if you like this: http://www.m90.org/view_image.php?image_id=2192

I thought it was great.

 

[Cman]

I liked them better when they were on my old site 3 or 4 years ago :lol:

http://web.archive.org/web/20020322033044/http://cman.ca/text/homer.htm

Did anyone see the superbowl episode last night. It was pretty good.

I honestly don't know how they can keep making it funny after all these years. Thats talent.

 

[Connery]

13 years and still maybe the funniest thing on television. I almost never fail to laugh histerically at some point during each episode. The Super Bowl one was great (& American Dad sucked, but that's a different topic). Thanks Zini, it's always great to remember so many classic lines!

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

"Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively."

"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair."

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.

 

[neckel]

Homer writing a break up letter:

"Dear baby, welcome to dumpsville. Population: you"


Homer riding home from work singing a song to the tune of the Flinstones theme:

"Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the- town of Springfield- he's about to hit a chestnut tree....ahhhhh!" (as he slams his car into a chestnut tree)"


Homer angrily commenting after listening to a news story about a hippoppotamus:

"Stupid hippo!"

 

[Inner_Killer]

Homer's Meat Quote

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say `Yo Goober! Where`s the meat!?`. I`m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don`t win friends with salad." - Homer Simpson

And Some Other Quotes And Sayings...

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsover ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)

I'll tell people what to think. Now you tell me what to think.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

I don't apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that's the way I am.

Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.?
The kids can call you Hoju!

Does whisky count as beer?

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers

Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!

Ha ha! Look at this country! You are gay!? Ha ha!

Nucular. It's pronounced, 'nucular'.

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes ... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty ... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman -- and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations : You may outsmart someone!

Oh look at me !!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way ... I was being sarcastic.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say ... This stinks!

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?

My Bologna has a first name. It's H-O-M-E-R, my bologna has a second name. It's H-O-M-E-R

Hmm ... Fabulous house ... Well-behaved kids ... Sisters-in-law dead ... Luxury Sedan ...WOOHOO! I hit the jackpot! Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a donut.

You don't know what its like, I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order!You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen.

What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that? I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream

Homer's Conversations

Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer : Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out

FBI agent Scully : This is just a simple lie-detector test. I'll ask some simple questions and you should answer with yes or no. Do you understand?
Homer : Yes.
[ The machine blows up ].

Homer : I am not going to sleep with a woman who thinks I am crazy ... unless you are feeling amorous ...
Marge : No, I am not.
Homer : [angry] Okay then, good night.

Bart : What if don't find anything?
Homer : Then we'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart : They'll buy anything.
Homer : Now son, they also do a lot of quality shows ... ha ha ha ... They kill me.

Homer : No one believes me.
Bart : I believe you, dad.
Homer : Then can you stop the cats from swearing?

Man1 : Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
Homer : The second one ... xelaphone .
Man2 : Is the alien santa claus?
Homer : Yes.
Flanders : Where you on my roof yesterday night stealing my weather meter?
Homer : This interview is OVER.

Marge : Have you noticed something about Bart?
Homer : New glasses?
Marge : No. It seems like something could be troubling him.
Homer : Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge : I want to get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer : Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge : That's not what I meant.
Homer : Admit it Marge, it was.

Homer : Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart : What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer : Err ... He sold poisoned milk to school children.
Marge : Homer!
Homer : Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on them.

Marge : Homer there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Homer : Batman?
Marge : No he's a scientist.
Homer : Batman's a scientist.
Marge : He's not Batman!

Rev. Lovejoy : So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer : The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy : I cast thee out!

Homer [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night? [aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. [thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.

Homer : Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge : What's that?
Homer : [thinks] A dinosaur

Homer : I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge : What kooky projects?
Homer : You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

Homer : Marge, where's that ... metal deely ... you use to ... dig ... food...
Marge : You mean, a spoon?
Homer : Yeah, yeah!

 

[Zinista]

hahaha that's some funny shit!!!
I've always liked Dr. Nick Riviera (sp): Hi Everybody!!

Chief Wiggum's my fave though...

 

[UltraLisk]

I liked them better when they were on my old site 3 or 4 years ago :lol:

http://web.archive.org/web/20020322033044/http://cman.ca/text/homer.htm

Did anyone see the superbowl episode last night. It was pretty good.

I honestly don't know how they can keep making it funny after all these years. Thats talent.

I am actually starting to hate the Simpson’s I used to watch them as many times it played per day (back then it was about 4-6 times) now I have to force myself to watch there new episodes once a week... I think its complete crap compared to what they had Makes me sad

 

[phynix]

Marge: Homer the plant called, they said if you don't go in tomorrow then don't bother coming monday!
Homer: Woo Hoo four day weekend!

Dr Nick: Order now and you'll also get 'Sun & Run' the suntan cream thats also a laxative!

Wiggum: Release the dogs!
Lou: Jez they look pretty angry Chief!
Wiggum: Yeah I've been starving em' teasing em' singing off tee me my my mo me moo ma may

Kent: Leaving the Vice President in charge!

After a stone is thrown through a window
Burns:Look Smithers a bird has lost its way and broken my window
Smithers: I believe its a rock sir
Burns: we'll see what the lab has to say about this

Bart: is Amanda there.. Amanda Hugunkis?
Moe: Amanda Hugunkis.. WHy can't I find Amanda Hugunkis??
Barney: Maybe your rates are to high!

Classic stuff!!

 

[UltraLisk]

http://www.tvtome.com/Simpsons/
ex: http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/GuidePageServlet/showid-146/epid-1410/ (first random episdoe selected)

 

[Nizzle]

Weird to see this live...

http://www.m90.org/view_image.php?image_id=2192

 

[UltraLisk]

Weird to see this live...

http://www.m90.org/view_image.php?image_id=2192

yeah I saw that, I was surprized how good it was (in comparison to recent Simpson's (what the deal with all the crying?))

 

[Inner_Killer]

The Prank Calls To Moe

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Bart and Lisa laugh

(Some Enchanted Evening)
Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears:
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

(Homer's Odyssey)
Bart with Lisa
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Bart and Lisa laugh

(Moaning Lisa)
Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
Bart laughs

(One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)
Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart and Lisa laugh

(Principal Charming)
Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

(Blood Feud)
Bart
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Bart and Lisa laugh

(Treehouse of Horror II)
Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

(Flaming Moe's)
Bart
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

(Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)
Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart laughs

(New Kid on the Block)
Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

(New Kid on the Block)
Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh

(The PTA Disbands)
This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

(Homer the Smithers)
Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

(Bart on the Road)
(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

(Homer the Moe)
Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...

(Helter Shelter)
Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart laughs

(The Way We Weren't)
10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone
(Marge) I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar
(Moe) Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh...and that's the origin of that.

 

[war|forever]

My water dish is empty....

 

[Zinista]

The Simpson's...... Indian Style!!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/singhsons.php

 

[KABOOM]

I heard that the Simpson's Movie will happen, and it's being made soon. The script is being finalized. I hope that it is good, but I may wait for the DVD after it comes out.

 

[yoink]

I watched the season premier this past Sunday. I was so freakin' bored that I actually turned it off. That was the first time I think i've ever done that.

 

[Ma'elKoth]

Yeah i've noticed that too, Simpsons is slowly being drained of their comedy. I think after 13 years they've just used almost everything possible. I still say the best episodes are the Halloween specials...

 

[Gibson]

Simpsons is slowly being drained of their comedy. I think after 13 years they've just used almost everything possible..

I've been saying this for years.

 

[Zinista]

I still think its a cool show, but you can definitely see the writers are struggling to find new funny material..